The art and science of lip-locking

The Modern Woman’s bedside companion*


There is a plethora of literature on lip-locking-for-first-timers written by self-professed, gurus.


This self-help, do-it-your-self manual is different because it is written for women by a woman. Thus, it addresses every woman’s first-kiss fears, and has practical tips that will bring home the bacon lips.


The tips should be followed in strict chronological order for immediate and best results.

  1. Identify the victim lips that you want to kiss.

Practical advice 1: choose somebody you barely know. That way if it doesn’t work out, there will be no kissing-and-telling.

Practical advice 2: for the first kiss, chose a person without a mustache. For the uninitiated, tangling with a mustache can be a traumatic, life-changing experience. You could come out of it permanently scarred.

If you have limited choice in that department, I suggest you do the following: postpone your visit to the neighborhood beauty parlor by a month. Poison kills poison, if you know what I mean. The obnoxious shadow on your own upper lip could well save your skin!

  1. Chat amiably of this and that for precisely two minutes. Shorter spells will not break the ice, while longer chit-chat is misleading; your plan is to lead the guinea pig up the garden path, NOT join him on a voyage of knowledge and wisdom.

  2. Abruptly change tack: flutter your eyelashes four to six times. Remember not to flutter too much or too fast. Too much and too fast will give the guinea pig the impression that you have a bit of sand in your eye. He will lean towards you not to satisfy your leanings, but to dig into your eye with an ineffectual handkerchief.

Practical advice 3: stop fluttering, push away the handkerchief, erase the frown off your brow, and start from scratch.

  1. Lean ever so slightly towards the person of the other part, continuing an appropriate amount of fluttering.

Caution 1: It is of utmost importance to lean only the tiniest bit. Too much may topple you into his lap- a big mistake at this stage of the proceedings. Your first kiss will be swept under the carpet and replaced with ….but that is material for my next manual so I won’t bother you with details.

Caution 2: It is of utmost importance to lean only if you are wearing one of those blouses your grandmother keeps giving you for Diwali; the ones that are so high at the neck that you can barely breathe. Men are easily distracted; if you lean over in anything but the outfit described, they are likely to lose interest in your lips. Your first kiss will never happen - although other stuff might.

  1. Pucker. It is difficult, but most good things in life usually are. It is difficult to flutter, lean and pucker simultaneously, and each in the correct proportion. But it is only difficult the first few times. Soon it will be second nature. If you follow the manual in strict chronological order, soon you will be a seasoned multitasker.

  2. It is about to happen. No man in his right mind can resist a woman who flutters, leans and puckers simultaneously and in the right proportions. But WAIT!

  • Did you remember to remove all lose dentures?

  • Did you remember to chew ‘Orbit’ chewing gum before the whole set up? Orbit is guaranteed not only to prevent caries but also to transmorgify bad-breath into something quite tolerable.

  • Did you remember to spit out the chewing gum? There is nothing more certain to destroy a first kiss than the discovery that the lips being kissed are tightly stuck together by a gob of gum!

  • Did you remember NOT to use the lipstick that smells and tastes like mustard gas? The one your best friend gave you fifteen years ago?

  • Did you remember to stop fluttering? Close your eyes, immediately! Kissing with the eyes open is deadly. It causes the most grotesque contortions of the eyes. Ever watched somebody trying to look at the tip of their nose? This is ten times worse, because your eyes are soon going to be ten times closer to his nose! Your first kiss could cause a permanent squint, and might leave you short-sighted for ever!

  1. There! It’s done!

  2. Finally, jump up and just GO! You’ve had your first kiss, what are you sitting there looking so goofy for? GO!


Self-professed gurus aver that a big belly comes in the way of a great first kiss. They seem to suggest that the big belly comes before the kiss.

Hah!

Based on my considerable experience, and based on anecdotes and the literature, I must warn you that the big belly could follow a kiss. But only if you are a woman. And only if you fail to follow the manual step by step all the way to step 8. Step 8 is critical!


The manual is a sure-shot way for an enterprising woman to get her first kiss without any side-effects! Keep it by your side at all times until you have mastered the art and science of lip-locking!


*First published five years ago on my blog at Sulekha.com

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